It's Crazy Story Time!

It has been commonly stated lately by many friends of mine that our creative juices are indeed on empty. My case has been elevated to the worst possible ever; therefore, I have decided to effectively steal my ideas from somebody's comments on somebody else's lack of ideas. Here it goes.

1. “You did WHAT with the cupcakes?!�
2. “I heard your mom won the gun show.�
3. “It was some kinda pig man.�
4. “Life… is like a jar of Mayonnaise.�
5. “Son, you have to understand… You’re ugly.�
6. “I’m the cute Backstreet Boy.�
7. Footman
8. Arachibutyrophobia
9. Various penguins
10. “He’s dead Jack…I mean Jim.�

The Ugly Duckling: Howie Dorough

Once upon a time there was this ugly kid named Howie. His father Casey was Irish while his mother Rosa was Puerto Rican. Need I say more? Anyways, you can imagine what awful nicknames were given to this ugly-looking, strange-named child. “Go away, Howinator!� and “Hey Howie!� and “I heard your mom won the gun show,� were some of the worst. Howie was deeply scarred for life.

When he finally turned 15 years old, Howie was unfortunately still horribly strange-looking. On his first day of high school, a girl fainted when she saw him. The following day’s newspaper front page featured the story, along with the headline, “It Was Some Kinda Pig Man!� But Howie refused to let that bother him. Instead, he turned to acting to release all his pent-up frustrations. In the school musical, he won the roles of Footman #3 and Various Penguins. But unfortunately he could never remember his line-- His one line. It was in the climactic moment where Jim McJim’s best friend Guffert Reynaldo died in Oklamontana! Now, remember… He had only one line. But like I said, he always screwed things up. “He’s dead Jack… I mean Jim!� He was a disgrace.

After he escaped the booing and hissing crowds outside his school, he ran home crying his pants off. His father Casey, as cowardly as they come, tried to explain the situation to Howie. He started out, “Son, you have to understand… You’re ugly.� There was silence. Obviously this tactic wasn’t working too well. He tried a different approach. “Life… is like a jar of Mayonnaise.� He then took a giant spoonful of what he thought was mayonnaise and put it in his mouth, trying to prove a point.

“Dad, that’s not mayonnaise! It’s peanut butter!� Howie shouted with concern. Sadly, Casey suffered from Arachibutyrophobia; therefore, he had a panic attack and died right there on the kitchen floor. It was another tragic moment for Howie.

Fortunately (for once in this story), a magic fairy came to him right at that moment with a bakers dozen of cupcakes. “These cupcakes, should you choose not to eat them, will provide you with one wish, big or small.�

“Here’s my chance to do something good for the world!� shouted Howie. “I wish… that from this moment forward, I’ll be known as the hottest boy-band star eva!� Suddenly he was freakin’ gorgeous. His mother almost fell in love with him because he was so hot. But when he explained to her what happened, she shouted “¡Qué usted hizo con los cupcakes?!� which roughly translates to, “You did WHAT with the cupcakes?� After that incident of not wishing his father alive, Howie was kicked out of the house.

Two months later, Howie met some dudes who agreed they should all form a cutie-patootie boy band. They named themselves “Boy Band #7594205� but that was later changed to “The Backstreet Boys.� From then on, all Howie would shout was, “I’m the cute Backstreet Boy!� because he was still so impressed with all his good looks even years down the road.

The Moral of the Story: Some things never change. Even though Howie became such a hot-tay, girls were still brought to tears because of his picture.